


the history between us and the future it could hold

by blue_green



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Jealous Bucky Barnes, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:09:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29526891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_green/pseuds/blue_green
Summary: These are snippets of scenes that I wrote in the hope of one day turning into stories- which hasn't happened yet, and probably won't.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 4





	1. Only the Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky realizes his feelings.

Bucky could feel his heart beat faster. He saw how they beat Jack, for being a fairy. He could feel the fear, seeping into his skin. He ran away, he ran away until he could barely breathe, he ran until he found himself collapsing against an old building. He slid down the building until he could feel the ground below him. He stuggled to take in a breath, until he realized that it was because he was crying.

Bucky knew, he knew he wasn’t pure. He could only hope that if he did make it into heaven it would be for the pure love he had for Steve. He didn’t know when it became a reality for him, when he knew that the protectiveness didn’t feel brotherly, when the urge to touch only compelled him when he was with the blond, yet never when he was surrounded with beautiful dames. He had kept that secret to himself. He never spoke about it, because it was his, just like Steve. He never really cared for love, it took him a long time before he realized why, because he already had someone he loved.

All the fairytales, all the stories told of man and woman. But the love he read, he felt it, just not with the right gender. But Bucky was too far gone to repent, he would spend lifetimes in hell for Steve. He would never tell Steve that. That secret was just for him. 

So maybe Bucky didn’t love woman they way he was supposed to, but he didn’t think the way he loved Steve was wrong either. But if was going to go down he would go down alone. Steve deserved Heaven. Bucky was far to gone to wish for such a thing, but Steve deserved everything he was denied in this life, and Bucky would spend his life giving him everything he could. 

Because Bucky could be brave, if only for Steve.


	2. Defenceless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky tries to avoid saying goodbye.

Bucky woke up, and everything hit him all at once. He was leaving in a couple hours. This was his last time waking up to Steve, seeing him after an exhausting day of working down at the docks. He wasn’t going to have to look down alleys and hope that he didn’t find Steve fighting a stupid guy back there. Tears sprung in his eyes. This was the last time he would ever get to say, “I love you, Stevie,” and hope that it would be enough. 

He wiped his tears, and turned aroud. There was his Stevie in all his glory, the sun hitting his golden hair and illuminating it in a way that always made Bucky think was made just for him. Seeing him with his lips parted slightly, because he could never quite breathe in as deep through his nose, made Bucky ache. His slightly arched eyebrows framing his face, making it all angles, Bucky felt pain in his chest. Because how was he supposed to leave and be okay with leaving his sunshine home? He couldn’t, but he had to. Bucky didn’t have a choice. He had confessed everything to Steve, all his fears, yet here he was. Hoping to get a few more seconds of relief before reality came and took it all away. Here in the quiet of the room, he felt vulnerable, all his fears were still asleep under the sheets, his reality was still in a coma, it felt like he was exposed, with no way out, but looking at Steve’s face grounded him. 

Sometimes he wished he hadn’t met Steve, hadn’t ever had to depend on him so much. Because right now, it felt like he was breaking. He coulnd’t find the right words to say to Steve once he woke up. What could he say? I’m sorry that I have to leave you? I’m sorry that you have to pretend to be strong so I don’t break anymore than I already have? I’m sorry that you feel like you’re not enough, when your everything and so much more to me? I’m sorry that I can’t be tough enough for you, because I want to leave feeling loved by you, to leave feeling you in every pore of my body so when it fades I can still have the memory of you? How could he say that? The fact was, he couldn't.

Steve was always the strong one between them. Steve, just thinking about him, even though he was right in front of Bucky, made him ache. He never wanted to imagine the day he would have to say goodbye yet here he was dreading every single moment. Bucky had never felt more vulnerable, and the words threatened to come out his mouth, but he couldn't bring himself to say them out loud. He closed his eyes and pretended to sleep, because one thing he was good at was pretending, and he could pretend he was okay for just a little bit longer.


	3. Cherry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is feeling jealous.

Bucky stared from afar. He could feel the deep ache in his chest that wouldn’t dissipate. How could it? It was a permanent fixture in his heart as was the Blond Man who was causing it. He glanced away. He wanted to march over to where Steve and Peggy were dining. He wanted to be brave and follow his heart, but he couldn’t. Steve was happy, even he could see that. He couldn’t help wanting to snarl at Peggy and tell her to not call Steve “Darling.” It didn’t matter that he and Steve weren’t talking at the moment, he was selfish. He wanted to be the only one to give him sweet names. Doll, was one of his favorites, even if it did make Steve bristle everytime he heard it leave his lips. 

He took a harsh swig of his whiskey, hoping that the burn would distract him from his jealousy. He couldn’t hate her though. She was one of the few people who saw Steve as the person he is, before he got the body to give him the attention he deserved. Steve was at his best, he was getting recognition, he was being praised left and right. Bucky hated himself for being selfish. He knew it was because he didn’t have Steve to himself anymore, unfortunately he could never stop being selfish when it came to Steve. He could see the happiness in his face, he could see the happiness in hers. And God it hurt. It hurt, but all he could do was carry a piece of Steve with him, his memory, because that was all that was truly his.Steve wasn’t his anymore, but his memory of Steve? That was for him only, it seemed that the was last of Steve that belonged to him.


	4. To be so lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky forces a confrontation with Steve

“Well you know what, Stevie? Just say what you’re thinkin’. Say it,” Bucky said, straightening up and looking Steve in the eye. 

Steve’s jaw tightened. His eyes steeled. “Say what? That you were rude to Peggy for no reason? Because you knew that already.”

Bucky chuckled bitterly, “That’s not what I meant. And I ain’t apologizin’.”

Steve’s face hardened, “What,” he questioned, his tone gone dangerously low. 

“You heard me, what do I have to apologize for? You told her you were taken weren’t you? Why was she gettin’ close?”

Steve looked up, frustration clear on his face, “Is this what this attitude about? You're fucking jealous?"

"God, Steve. You're so naïve. Just fuckin' say what you want to say."

"Like what? She knows I'm yours now, you couldn’t have made it more clear!"

"Fucking say it!"  
"Say what?," Steve Exploded.

"Say what you fucking mean! Don’t hold out one me just because you grew a few inches and became a fucking saint," Bucky spat.

Steve’s eyes became stubborn, he raised his jaw in defiance, “I don’t know what youre talking about.”

Bucky, stared at him, his eyes just as stubborn, "You sure about that, sweetheart?"

Steve responded, "Real sure, Buck, ain’t got a clue."

Bucky looked down, a bitter chuckle on his lips, "You''re a fucking coward."

Steve bristled, “If that’s what you believe, then that’s what I am, Buck.” 

Bucky snarled, “You’re a fucking pushover now, Stevie? Do whatever your Peggy tell you?”

Steve clenched his jaw. His words stiff, “She’s my superior I just follow orders, Sergeant, just like you.”

Bucky sneered, “I don’t follow no one who don’t deserve it and she sure as hell don’t, and I’m starting to believe you ain’t either.”

Steve tensed, “Bucky” he warned.

“What? Isn’t what I say the truth? Or are you a hypocrite now, too? Never been one to back down Captain, did the serum change that about you too?”

Steve glared at Bucky, “I haven’t changed Buck.”

“You ain’t the Stevie I used to know, that’s for sure. You should’ve left me back in Azzano, I ain’t the same either.”

Steve’s eyes blazed, fury clear in his blue eyes, he marched right up to Bucky, his eyes looking directly into his own, “Don’t. ever. Say that. You deserve to be here just as much as them.”

Bucky lowered his eyes, “I don’t think so Steve. It isn’t the same anymore.”

"Of course it's not the same Buck, that doesn’t mean it's bad."

"Doesn’t it? You changed, and you're sweet on Peggy now, youre gonna leave me all alone, and I don’t know why you saved me when you could’ve left me behind and started over."

"You really believe that? That my life would’ve changed for the better without you?"

"Honestly, Steve? Yes I do."

"Jesus, what;s wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you! Why can’t you tell me what you mean?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just tell me Steve!"

"Tell you what!"

"Tell me!"

"I don’t know know what you want me to say!"

"You don’t treat me the same, it’s like you're scared of me, just tell me-"Bucky cut himself off, frustated.

"Tell you what, Bucky." 

"Tell me that im an arrogant son of a bitch! Tell me that I can’t admit when I’m wrong! Point out when I make a stupid joke." Bucky yelled, "Tell me when Im being jealous! Tell me that I'm not the same person I was before, that I don't have a place in this new life of yours", his voice lowered to a whisper.

"Is that what this is about?" Steve leaned in, lifting Bucky's chin. "you think I don't want you here? You think I followed you across the world and saved you so I could push you out my life? Buck, I came here for you, I wanted to be part of your life. I crawled my way here to you and I ain't leaving without a fight. So, if you think for a second that I'm letting you doubt your place in my life just remember this; I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal."

Bucky chuckled wetly, "'Til the end of the line, huh? Seems like a life-long commitment."

"It is, Buck."

Bucky looked up at Steve, and kissed him lightly on the lips, "I'm with you 'til the end of the line, punk."

Steve smiled, and drew Bucky in closer giving him a proper kiss.


	5. Sunflower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve loves Bucky

Steve stared at Bucky. He couldn’t believe how he got so lucky to see him again. He was beauty incarnated, it was simple as that. The way his cheekbones created a shadow on his face, accentuating the sharp angles, it made him want to draw it, display it for the world to see. Bucky always described Steve as sunshine, bright and golden, no matter the size, the way his smile lit up his face only made it more obvious. Steve always thought Bucky was art, sometimes he would sit back and admire him, just watch him and not talk, not sketching, just admiring, wanting to capture his pure beauty in his mind. Even now, with his long brown hair in disarray, he was the most beautiful creature Steve had ever laid eyes on. The only word to come to mind when looking at Bucky, was sunflower. Because although there would always be a bit of darkness, a stained past the he could never get rid of, it dind’t take away from his beauty, his face still glowed, his eyes still sparkled, his smile still brightened up his face. It was a sight to see, and Steve was the luckiest man in the world, to be able to see it everyday. To be the sunshine for his sunflower.


	6. Golden Sun

Golden.

As he opened his eyes, Golden was what he saw. Steve, his golden sun. Steve always shone brighter than anything he had ever seen. The way his eyes shined brighter than the sun took his breath away. To him, Steve was the sun. He woke up to see him everyday, and he felt like he could never compare to someone who shone as bright as Steve. But he was selfish, always was when it came to Steve, he knew he was broken, he was then and he is now, but he was never broken or hopeless when he was with Steve. He could breathe easy when Steve was around. He didn’t know who he was for seventy years, but one look at his Golden Boy, and suddenly everything was brighter. Everything shifted in his vision to make Steve his focus, he wasn’t scared when all he could focus was on him, because for once in his seventy years of life, he felt like everything was right again.

Steve was Golden, Steve was his Sun. He didn’t want to be alone, he knew it was too good to be true though. He was broken, hopeless, he didn’t even know who he was. The only thing he was sure about was that Steve is his Sun. He knew he would have to leave Steve, he knew Steve was scared, but what Steve didn’t know, was that Bucky could feel it take a hold, Bucky could feel Steve take control of his mind, who he was and all he’s ever known is Steve. But loving Steve, was enough for him, he would find his way back to him.

Steve was scared, but Bucky wasn’t. Steve was his Sun, Steve was Golden, and Bucky wouldn’t live without the warmth of his Sun anymore.


	7. Always You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve tries to escape Bucky.

Steve couldn’t escape him. Everywhere he looked he found Bucky. In the eyes of the subway girl, in the brown hair of the man on the street, the way that the actor spoke, in the ramblings of Tony, in the knowing smirk of Natasha. Maybe that’s what made him go out. He would go out and find him everywhere, in the words found in a book, in a small movie clip. He missed him so much. He would go out to bars, libraries, coffee shops, and yet he always found Bucky, and then he would go to the tower, to his home, and it wouldn't feel like home. It always felt like there was something missing, he would look and he wouldn’t feel home until he found a glimpse of Bucky. Because that was truth of it, Bucky was his home, and without him he would never feel settled, there will always be a part of him searching, reaching out to someone he let go. To someone that should’ve been there with him, figuring out the future, together, but here he was alone, and no one would ever fill that gap, because it was always Buck, and it will always be Bucky.


	8. Habit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky left, and he sent a letter to Steve.

Steve opened his eyes, waking up. He sighed, he closed his eyes, waking up these days was hard. He was finding it hard these days to find motivation in chasing ghosts. Jarvis made a sound, Steve opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. 

"Yes, Jarvis?"

"You have received mail, Captain."

Steve, sighed, "Thank you, Jarvis."

Steve closed his eyes, reminding himself that life unfortunately kept going, even if it felt like everything had changed, it kept going. He went to the en suite and got himself ready for the day. He basically dragged himself to the kitchen, not feeling thrilled about having to do every day mundane things like checking the mail. He walked to the counter and froze.

There at the top of the pile was a letter addressed to him, with no return address. What made him freeze was the familiar scrawl of his former best friend, Bucky Barnes. With shaking hands, he krept closer, clutching the letter in his hands as if were at risk of being ripped away.

He stared in disbelief, not quite comprehending. Bucky had written him? Why? He could feel himself start to shake. He shook his head and opened the letter carefully. Not wanting to tear something so precious. 

Bucky got straight to the point. 

_I always knew I was a fuck up Steve. I always knew I would mess everything up between us. I always knew it would be me, never you. I always told you that remember? You always told me I was wrong, but here I am, gone. It shouldn’t come as a surprise really. You said you would give me another chance, but I couldn’t give myself that chance. All I could see in your life was happiness. And you want to know how I always pictured it? Without me there. Because as much as I would love to, I can’t be in your life for you to live the life you deserve. All I see is the life you could’ve had with Peggy if I hadn’t been selfish, and that will always be my biggest regret._

_I guess, one thing I didn’t count on would be how hard it would be to actually leave you. It felt like I was leaving myself behind. God, I missed you, I missed everything about you and I realized that you’re the habit that I can’t break. You’re the addiction I can’t quit. I thought I had to leave._

_I left so you could live the life you never could with me holding you back. I left, because I ran out energy playing someone I thought I had to be, of someone I thought you wanted me to be. It took me some time, but I realized that I don’t have to choose who I want to be. All I have ever been and always will be is Bucky. And Bucky can’t be Bucky without Steve. We’ve come so far to be where we are now in the time we are now together. Nobody else can say the same. I’ll always need you Steve Rogers. I’ll always need you right beside me._

_I know I didn’t give you a choice in the matter, but I’m still grateful for the time and space we had between us. It made me realize that I was out of control, that I let expectations get the best of me, and I’m sorry I left you. But I guess I now know what I always knew. I’m better when I’m with you, and I miss you. I’m coming home._

Steve froze. Bucky was coming home. He was coming back to Steve.

"I hope you didn't do anything stupid while I was gone," A voice more familiar to Steve than his own spoke.

Steve felt his eyes well up with tears, and he turned to face his sunflower to welcome him home. 


End file.
